“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
You Might Also Like
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.