I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“Huge”.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up