I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
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Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.