Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Note to self: always read the final line
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)