owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
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Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.