AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
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my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Great game to play with friends
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı