I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
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My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.