Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
oh my god
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75