I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
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how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂