A tragic love story in two pictures.
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It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
THIS HEADLINE
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
🙁
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
i actually laughed 😩
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.