*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
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Cake safety first. Always.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
britain’s three elite institutions
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.