[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
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My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!