Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
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At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
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*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ