[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
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“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
giddy up Office Depot
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.