Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
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Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.