If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
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When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
fired
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*