“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
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Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.