I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
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Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS