Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.