If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
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How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
That’s what I call a flat tire
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.