Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
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[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*