Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
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Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
j o i m p
Terribly Tuesday.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*