Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
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Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Pass gas, not judgment.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!