In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
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DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!