i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
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[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
For the ones in the back.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Stop it! 😂
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.