Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
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Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
(more comics:
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
oh you like architecture? name three walls
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*