Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Seems a bit forward
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.