[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I’m awake but I object,
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…