Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
You Might Also Like
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.