If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
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Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
What the hell is going on?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.