*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
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I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Well, this is awkward
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
S M O L
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.