I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
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So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.