*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
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Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*