I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
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A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…