My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
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I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
i meant to share this earlier
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
PLEASE READ
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE