ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
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Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
This makes total sense…
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening