[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
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Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
What even happened today?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.