[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
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My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
We like the way Dwight thinks
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.