Finally! 😈
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The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
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t
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
The symmetry is uncanny.