[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
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I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
nice challenge
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.