Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
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I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
estão todos miauvindo?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that