Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
You Might Also Like
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
79.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.