Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
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My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games