ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
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(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I’m a bad influence on myself.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
lmao
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT