‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
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Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Ghost costume 😂
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.