ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
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Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Okay me first