so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
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How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Who did it better?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.