How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
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[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
where the womens at?
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*