Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
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This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.