Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I can’t be the only one 😂
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm